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Lately, I’ve been experiencing “mom guilt” which I’ve come to accept as normal. To parents out there who may feel the same – I totally get it. Mom guilt is a real thing. Being so many things to the most important people in your life is such a blessing, and it has so many elements to it. Everyday, I wake up grateful for each of my kids and I fall asleep each night praying that their lives will be full of joy, peace, health and blessings. Along the way, I also pray that I will be present to enjoy all their passions and joy and that God will renew me each morning with energy, passion and health so I can continue to navigate being an incredible parent.
But I’m not going to lie, there are other days where I wake up with eyes half-opened and I wonder, after such minimal sleep, how I’m going to survive the day. I’ve learned that this is okay. Despite what some may think, I’m not superhuman. I’ve come to accept this reality. Nobody is perfect at everything and the most important thing is that we’re learning each day to be our best and that we’re learning from others who are on the same journey.
The other day, I had the opportunity to listen to someone speak directly to my question: How can I become the best parent I can be to each of my four kids, individually and collectively, and teach them to love one another while thriving in life?
It’s a big question, especially for kids under the age of twelve.
Part of my journey has been seeking mentorship from someone who has actually successfully run a business while thriving in their marriage life. Someone who is actively raising spiritually, physically and mentally healthy children. Ideally for me, that’s a clan of at least three or four kids (so they understand the method to the madness). This year, I finally found that person. He spoke to me and a small group of entrepreneurs at lunch and told me to record a voice memo. I’m glad I did. Because I captured his secrets on how he’s successfully parented five children who, growing into adulthood, still love and respect each other.
I was so moved by his story that I encouraged him to go into public speaking on this topic so he could share it with more people to impact our future generation. Here were my major takeaways from his voice note:
- You have one life and it’s yours. This was his core principle. What our kids get or don’t get, who they become or don’t become, what they have or don’t have, will all be based on the decisions they make. It’s our childrens’ job and responsibility. Our job as parents is to teach and coach our kids to help them navigate those decisions. We want them to be comfortable enough to speak to us about anything, and we’ll be happy to give them advice. We never want to be butting heads with our kids and the responsibility of what is going to come is entirely theirs. We’re here to guide them the best we can. We want to be standing next to our kids looking at life together.
- Parent like a sales rep. One of the biggest reasons parents and their kids butt heads is because the parent is trying to force something onto them. As parents, if we can get comfortable with the fact our kids don’t owe us anything, then the much better off they’ll be. They’ll have space to develop their own choices and personalities. Not every kid is the same. It’s our job to enroll them into what we think they need. Enrolling them into something they can thrive in. We have the responsibility to engage, excite and coach our kids through that process. Ideally, we want our kids to find something they are unique at or they’re passionate about. Remember what it’s like to be a kid at that age. If something that seems boring or has your kid resisting big time, then figure out how to restructure that conversation. For example, If your children don’t want to go to church because it’s boring, then ask them: “What would need to be true for you to be excited about church?” They need to believe in the authenticity of your request. You may need to negotiate with your kid, and in turn teach your kid how to negotiate. This is where, as a parent, you are encouraging them to be involved in something that will be good for them in the long run, and as the parent we can negotiate what happens after they do it. Go to church with me, and after we can make a smoothie and watch a movie together and you can tell me all about the things you learned… Explaining that if they come, and actually decide to engage, then we’ll do something even better.
This leads me to the one major theme he shared about parenting. RESPECT THEIR VIEWPOINT as LEGITIMATE and REAL. This will transform the relationship with your kids.
It’s important to instill the principle that life works a certain way. There are real truths that govern success in all areas. Success doesn’t care about sob stories. It leaves a path to follow by others who have gone before you.
You need to get clear on what success you want and find the formula that will get you there. If you’re not being successful in an area of your life, then it’s likely one of two things are happening: 1) you either don’t have the formula or, 2) you’re not taking the action needed to get results. If one of those aren’t happening, you cannot have success in a certain area. You either need to take ACTION or find the FORMULA to follow that will give you a roadmap to achieve the success you desire in your life. But, as a busy parent, how do we do that?
- Continuously encourage personal growth that includes expanding knowledge to serve other people and continuing to pursue how we serve other people.
- Your family is your best friend. They’re the foundation. Friends will come and go. But your family is your squad. You should be talking about making things happen ALL THE TIME.
Another thing he advocated for was to have long one-on-one conversations. Help your kids work through these core principles. Make a decision. For example, you might say: For the next 6 months in individual situations, I’m going to plant the seed that family and siblings are the most important relationships. Continue to plant this seed and you’ll see the magic happen.
Embrace the fact that sometimes things don’t matter that much. Make fun of wild moments, if your daughter had a really bad hair day, take the time to hear her, stay back with her for a few extra moments and help her fix her hair. Work through their frustrations with grace and peace. Take her separately to school so you can develop the understanding about that moment and take time to hear her out individually, despite the chaos that morning.
“I always try to get them to see that in the end, it’s really not that big of a deal. But I am there for them as they individually work through those moments,” he told me. Another emphasis of our conversation was on having unique family values that spoke to your family specific, and the importance of having one-on-one time with each child individually. He broke this down into 4 points:
- Getting clear on your Unique family values. As I listened, he told me that he sat his family down one day and told them what he felt was true about their family and outlined what was different. The kids did an exercise where they outlined things that other families did that they didn’t like, and then they listed out the things that other families did that they loved. Then they discussed why they loved those things and didn’t like the other things. From that exercise, they developed clear family values and principals.
- Taking annual one-on-one kid trips annually. Spend quality time with each child. Every year from a young age, he and his wife would give each child a yes day and night for Christmas. Meaning, they’d go somewhere one-on-one with each of their kids. Sometimes it was local, other times they’d fly somewhere. Each child got to pick where they were going. This allowed them to be entirely present and a strong, long lasting relationship was formed between everyone. It also allowed each child to trust him in a new way, and vice-versa.
- The “Idiot Jerk-Face” Theory. It might sound funny, but this was the term they used whenever a negative thought would come into their heads. By identifying it, it helped his kids prevent a negative story from developing. They became aware it existed, learned to hear it, and then let it go. Sort of like not touching the steering wheel or the car radio. Elizabeth Gilbert wrote a book explaining this voice in your head and what to do with it when it comes up. I loved that concept.
- Talk through EVERYTHING and be open and respectful. Lead them with clear parameters and let them experience autonomy in their decision making. Remember, we’re here to guide them, not make them something they’re not. Have your kids focus on their individual passions and qualities and give them an environment that will allow them to shine in their own way. They are the heroes of their own journey.
I thought about this and how it applied to my own life. As I read my takeaways from our 30-minute chat, I realised that our marathon really starts after work. Our kids have no idea what happens during our time at work, so they shouldn’t have to deal with our work-stress or situations that test our patience. When we get home, they’re excited. This is the time they get to do activities with us, they eat, do their homework, brush their teeth, get ready for bed, you name it. It’s important to remember that they don’t experience our whole days, and we don’t experience theirs. Every minute counts when you’re together.
Like you, I’ve made an active decision to be passionate about my kids. I want to master this and not look back and wish I had done something differently. I really want to find that formula to follow and take action so my kids grow up to be independent, mature, wise and truly individual. I want them to want to love each other. I want them to want to hang out with me, even when I’m old and boring.
It also applies to every aspect of our lives – from our marriage, our businesses, and ensuring a healthy life is paramount.
The question becomes… “How do we master being a mom, a wife, and an entrepreneur while having time to remain healthy both mentally, physically and spiritually? How do we even schedule a day that has so many moving parts?
I would love to hear from those who do this! Books you’ve read, courses you’ve taken, or even groups you are a part of!
For my part, here are two pieces I have listened to recently that I have found really helpful:
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